right now im so depressed i could kill myself.....

Shit! talk about bad days! how about four years of bad days all botteled up and one day u see a reminder of whats bottled up and u just break down crying.... and nobody dares to comfort u cause they dont kno what upset you....

i went home and i sat in my room with all the lights off and my music pounding in my ears.... i had tears pouring out of my eyes and i didnt kno what could make it stop.

of couse the music i was listening to was all depressing and i felt like doing something rash.....

i never did anything but am still crying and i want the pain to stop i want all the horror to go away and the sun to shine on me again.
i wanna see rainbows ond butterflies and people smilng and meaning it.

instead i see storms and carcasses and people walking around like nothings wrong when everthing is upside down and they have fake smiles plastered on theyre faces.

i want to crawl back to my mother i want to hear her reasurring voice i want to hear her saying everything going to be alright and i want to be like a six year old sitting on her lap with my head cradeled aganst her chest listening to her breathing. i want to fell her hand stroking my hair and watching barney toghether. i want to stand up when barney starts singing and scream at the top of my lungs the lyrics and her right behind me smiling and laughing.

i want to be baby again laughing and smiling not caring about boys or friends or school or anything like that. i want my mommy i want my stepdad i want my cat and i want a nice big white house with a garage and a pool. i want to be out of my apartment and i want to have my own room i want to have crazy curly blonde hair and dace around in a diaper. i want to smile again.

i want to be able to talk about my problems without sounding like a whiny brat... i want to talk about my problems with my mother.

i want to see her smile, and i want to feel her kiss my forehead, i want to hear her sing "my little sunshine" to me again. i want unicorns and rainbows, and all the little girly things.

i want to see the world from a happy point of view.... not old enough to kno all this shit. i want to be able to get up on saturdays and watch scooby-doo. i want to get all afraid and run right back up to my bed. i want to hide there till my mommy looks for me and asks whats wrong. i want to be able to say "scooby-doo scared me."

do you understand what im saying?

Um so y r u suicide?

didnt you understand a thing i wrote?!? im alittle upset right now.... but somehow after writing it it took me like five minutes to get over it.... i no longer am sucuidal!

i just happen to like knives and fire and blood and pain and death and vampires and guns and Bill... thats all...

Knives? Blood?


Damn.. U need to meet meh 17 year old brother....

lol plz tell me hes not one of those anime dorks! and i'm only 12 y would i want to meet a 17-year-old..... wait! dont answer that! Bill is 18... oh look im straying off to bill again...